This one is literally movie-like, in the sense that I never appear; it was completely 3rd-person, and starred literal actors- Sharon Stone (not exactly on my hot-actress radar, and she’s older than my mom, so her presence is a little odd), Michael Weston (you might know him as Lucas from House), and somebody I believe was Robert Carlyle (Begbie from Trainspotting, the cowardly dad from 28 Weeks Later, that guy in the Full Monty- oh yeah, and Stargate).
So Begbie and Lucas are investigating an abandoned compound of some kind. No idea why; the place looks absolutely deserted, and there doesn’t seem to be any evidence of anything amiss. But nonetheless. This apparently requires civilian help, and they (the Powers That Be, I guess, or maybe the Chief with “brass so far up my ass I’m farting Miles Davis”; you get the idea- I seemed to have dreamt in cop-movie tropes, so it wouldn’t be a surprise). Begbie’s not a fan. Lucas seems a bit less annoyed, but puzzled- as was I, since I had no idea why the hell it was apparently gonna require a 3-person team more than a day to check the place out (as evidenced by the office scene I’ll get to in a bit). Sharon Stone is not dressed for glamor in this flick- khaki shorts with some clunky hiking-boots and a long-sleeve flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. She looks rather uncomfortable and out of place (in Jurassic Park that outfit would’ve worked, however). Begbie giving her the stink eye probably isn’t helping that.
She goes inside to set up… something… in an office, some kind of long-term base camp or something, and to fill out reports of all the milling around and wearing unaccustomed clothing she’s done since she got here moments ago, with Lucas trailing her. He gives her some encouragement, while Begbie stews outside, smoking a cigarette and doing his own clothes-wearing. They return to him, and commence the searching for whatever-it-is, which at this point I’d begun to suspect was bodies or something.
As an aside, what’s with all the cop-dreams recently? I don’t have great experiences with law enforcement, but I do have some rather strong viewpoints on law enforcement, police brutality, and the “War on Drugs” (aka “War on the Poor”). Weird.
Lucas finds a stuffed dog and gives it to her for luck, kind of a cute little “hit on the love interest” scene, while Begbie looks dour and scoffs (seemingly all he does here, actually). They spend most of their time searching along rather well-preserved 5-foot brick walls that seem to surround the compound/complex/whatever they’re in and separating from train-tracks to the east, under a very high corrugated tin roof on I-beam posts, but don’t really find anything other than the stuffed dog. A thoroughly riveting ‘film’. Now for the sequel.
Sharon Stone has cancer (in an inspirational “something to overcome” way) and Begbie’s a crazy “loose-cannon” cop with a big-ass truck, having apparently broken ties with his partner Lucas! Schmowzow! Lucas and Sharon Stone return to the empty building that somehow warrants another thorough investigation; meanwhile Begbie maniacally runs people over with his truck in some sort of scrap-metal-walled dirt highway whilst cackling like an unhinged person, for some reason. Lucas is avoiding him since he thinks he’s bad news… which is probably the logical conclusion.
The two, once again, spend a great deal of time investigating this building, which, by now, seems kind of like when you see cops ‘investigating’ the soda-fountain at the Quik-Trip on a hot afternoon- it’s something to do that doesn’t involve actual police-work, and gets them out of their cars for a little while. Nothing to see here this time either, not even a stuffed dog. But whatever they’re looking for, it’s apparently of vital importance.
Begbie comes charging through the gate of the compound in his murder-truck (though he seems to still be a cop somehow), and starts chasing them. The two get trapped against that same brick wall they should’ve been able to jump over to escape down the railroad tracks beyond. Instead, Begbie shoots Lucas, and Lucas goes poignantly down. Sharon Stone gets Lucas’ gun from him, and blows Begbie away after he finishes speechifying about the futility of running, how he’s got her cornered, etc. The end.
And then I woke up.
***These are films that, if they ever did get made, would get Razzies. It’s interesting that, after the first (extremely) uneventful installment, a sequel appears, this time with trucks and guns- maybe to mask the “important” investigation of what seems to have been absolutely nothing (I know I’m assigning more logic here than is necessary, but it’s all just for shits and giggles). Sharon Stone walks around in hiking-boots, so I guess there’s that, but I don’t know that that is a reason to make a movie, to be honest. Also, the cancer for no reason as some kind of cheap ploy- one that never gets resolved: what was my subconscious thinking, Oscar or something? I give these movies three thumbs down.
